I just made a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread. At 1 am. Because when I'm especially anxious about something, I bake. Or go shoe-shopping [I'm still in search of the perfect pair of black flats...], but that's beside the point.

Earlier this evening I made some cream cheese blueberry muffins at Becky's request. They were yummy, but not like my momma's. Gosh I miss my momma's blueberry muffins.

Anyway, you can tell that things are getting just a leeeeeeeeeeettle bit stressful 'round these here parts. I'm baking up a storm. I've done all the dishes. My bedroom looks like my closet threw up everywhere.... It's not a pretty sight.

And I lie awake at night thinking. And waiting. And wishing. And dreading. And then it's 4 am, and I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I feel like I've rehearsed things in and out and upside down but nothing is making sense anymore anyway and can I please just have a decent night's rest? Just one?

Sometimes I don't want tomorrow to come. I feel like I'm unprepared to face another day. That I'm inadequate somehow, not living up to the potential I have in me. I feel like school is slowly sucking away my soul, turning me into some unfeeling robot, some hollowed shell of what was once me.

I'm ready for fall semester to start, so I can be teaching again. I love teaching. I love helping my students to come to an understanding, and to feel confident in their ability to do mathematics. I love the moment when realization dawns on them and you can see it in their eyes. It's a very rewarding experience.

But until then, I just feel a little lost. A little like I'm wandering aimlessly. I don't like to live my life like that....

I'm defending my proposal on Thursday. I don't think it's a HUGE-normous deal, but it's still got me more than a little nervous. Pray for me?