Birds and Boating

So...a few days before Becky up and moved out of out lives [...because when you're in Provo and everyone and their mom's dog lives in your backyard, Draper seems like half an eternity away...], I was sitting in the living room and heard rustling in the fireplace. I'd heard something a few days prior, sounding like it came from upstairs or in the wall, but hadn't thought much of it. However, after hearing rustling and fluttering a few times in about ten minutes, I decided to check it out. I went and peeked in the fireplace doors and something flew past! I jumped [but held the scream in - be proud!], then ran upstairs. I told Becky I thought there was a bird in our fireplace. She grabbed a box, and we ran back downstairs. She was able to get the cute little guy out [I wouldn't touch it!] and we set him free. Isn't he cute? He seemed a little drunk and disoriented when flying away though, so I'm not sure how long he was in there...

And.... as an update on my leg, I think things are finally [mostly] back to normal. It still feels tight when I try to cross my right leg over my left sometimes, but I don't have any pain anymore! Hallelujah! I'm going to try to go running tomorrow, and hope that things work out for the best! :) Anyway, here are some picture of Kelly and I from the boating adventure:

As you can tell, it was a pretty beautiful day! We both had a rockin' time, and I'm glad I went [I was seriously considering not going for awhile there...].

On Flirting...

I realized recently [or, rather, RE-realized] that I flirt WAY too much. Especially when I'm not interested in a guy. It's just so easy. And way too fun. And, honestly, it's flattering when they flirt back. So...maybe I perpetuate some of the negative feelings guys have about girls and mixed signals and whatnot [Though I've got stories up the yin-yang about guys and mixed signals... Enough to make you cringe, if not assume the fetal position in horror]. Maybe I'm okay with that?

I was talking to my former home teacher [and really awesome friend!] about this the other night, and he agreed with my assessment. He was like, "Yeah, you ARE really good at flirting, and a LOT." Something like that. [Thanks, Eric! Love ya! ;)] He reminded me of the time when I had two guys fighting over me. Not seriously angry fighting, but they literally began to wrestle in front of me [Each trying to prove their strength and manliness or something? I don't know...].

A good friend always jokes with me about how I have the guys next door wrapped around my pretty little finger. He tells me I can pretty much get them to do anything for me. All I have to do is bat my eyes and ask sweetly and they're like butter in my hands. I try not to take advantage of that [at least, not too often], but it's nice to know.

I'm trying to test an idea I have. In my experience, using a person's name can be really effective. I LOVE when people use my name when they're talking to me. It just makes everything so much more personal. I don't think I do it often enough, so I'm consciously trying to do it more. Especially when talking to guys. Everytime I see a guy I know, I'm trying to go out of my way to say "Hi John!" [Or, you know, whatever his name is.] with a big smile instead of the ever-typical "Hey" with a goofy grin or [worse] grunt with a head-nod. My new efforts are being well-received so far. What I'm testing is whether or not any of the guys will start to initiate. I think they will. And, despite my level of interest in the guy, it's always nice to have that sort of friendship and connection.

That reminds me of a few years back. I had a friend who I'd always say hi to. Once we became better friends, he asked me about "the time I was interested in him." I was confused at first, but he told me he thought I really liked him because I always seemed so happy to see him. I wasn't at all interested in being more than friends, but it certainly got me thinking.

Anyway, I flirt a lot. It's fun. It's exciting. And I'm not sorry about it [for the most part, until some people go on and on about my being a heart-breaker. Psh.]. Anyone have any good new tactics or advice for me? :)

Talking to the Moon

I woke up with Talking to the Moon in my head yesterday morning. It made me miss Pageant and home. We listened to that nearly every day on the way to or from the Hill. That, and Your Love is My Drug. [Hey, so I got a question. Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement?] ...Which brings me to another point altogether. I moved to the basement last week! We weren't sure if Beck would be staying with us or not [she didn't], so I signed a contract for downstairs. That way Melissa and I would at least have each other [how tender...].

The room is a tiny bit smaller than the one upstairs, but I don't have THAT much stuff. I actually prefer this new room. And a change of scene is always nice.

We got two new roommates. They both seem really fun, but we're all gone a lot so we haven't seen too much of each other. One is from Utah, the other from Ohio. One is going to BYU, the other just graduated. They are both LDS. I think we'll get along just fine. :)

I had a dream last night, however, that one of them LOVED Christmas. Like, to the point of having several (about 20?) decorated trees of various sizes that she absolutely insisted we keep up in the apartment all the time. It was overwhelming, and I remember being filled with very-much-NOT-Christmas cheer.

In other news, I bought a vacuum. It's nothing super-wonderful-fantastic, but it does the job. It makes me feel....experienced and responsible [That's code for old, but I'm not allowed to use that word].

In other other news, I dyed my hair. Again, nothing super-wonderful-fantastic. Just a little darker. I always have a hard time, though, because I feel like it always goes too red. I'm really looking for a rich chocolate brown, but what I usually get is more of a cinnamon brown. At least, that's what I always think. I'm okay with how it turned out... See?

...I tried to go water-skiing on Saturday. We had a department outing for the graduate students. Only three of us showed up, in addition to the professor (whose boat we were using). It was a lot of fun [and my first time, that I can remember, on a small boat!] However, on my first attempt at skiing, I yoinked my leg pretty badly. I think I strained one of the muscles in the back of my left thigh. It throbbed for the rest of the day [Driving home was a nightmare! I winced every time I had to use the clutch], and it's still a little sore. I still can't cross my right leg over my left, I have trouble shaving my leg or putting lotion on it [because of the movement involved, not sensitive skin or anything], and driving is still somewhat uncomfortable. Hopefully it gets better soon. I've wanted to go running several times this week, but haven't been able to. And we played soccer for FHE on Monday, but I couldn't move well enough to feel comfortable playing. They stuck me as goalie with another girl. It was a lot of fun! But still painful when I tried to go after the ball. And my knee feels really weak and almost gives out sometimes [especially going down stairs]. Any advice on what I could/should do to make things better?

Oh, and so I'm not SUCH a Debbie Downer, the rest of the day on Utah Lake was a lot of fun. We chilled in the boat, and Kelly and I tried our hand at tubing. We loved it!

I just made a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread. At 1 am. Because when I'm especially anxious about something, I bake. Or go shoe-shopping [I'm still in search of the perfect pair of black flats...], but that's beside the point.

Earlier this evening I made some cream cheese blueberry muffins at Becky's request. They were yummy, but not like my momma's. Gosh I miss my momma's blueberry muffins.

Anyway, you can tell that things are getting just a leeeeeeeeeeettle bit stressful 'round these here parts. I'm baking up a storm. I've done all the dishes. My bedroom looks like my closet threw up everywhere.... It's not a pretty sight.

And I lie awake at night thinking. And waiting. And wishing. And dreading. And then it's 4 am, and I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I feel like I've rehearsed things in and out and upside down but nothing is making sense anymore anyway and can I please just have a decent night's rest? Just one?

Sometimes I don't want tomorrow to come. I feel like I'm unprepared to face another day. That I'm inadequate somehow, not living up to the potential I have in me. I feel like school is slowly sucking away my soul, turning me into some unfeeling robot, some hollowed shell of what was once me.

I'm ready for fall semester to start, so I can be teaching again. I love teaching. I love helping my students to come to an understanding, and to feel confident in their ability to do mathematics. I love the moment when realization dawns on them and you can see it in their eyes. It's a very rewarding experience.

But until then, I just feel a little lost. A little like I'm wandering aimlessly. I don't like to live my life like that....

I'm defending my proposal on Thursday. I don't think it's a HUGE-normous deal, but it's still got me more than a little nervous. Pray for me?

Well, hello there!

Hmmm... Lookie here, I have a blog! Who knew? Haha... It seems to be about that time that I start updating [again...] and telling all y'all about the wonderful fantastic things I've been doing with my life. And, you know, it's 1 am. Figures.

July once again had the ever-familiar siren song of Pageant calling me home. I skipped town for three whole weeks, a much-needed break. The weather was glorious for casting that first night. And it felt oh-so-wonderful to be on the Hill again. It truly is sacred ground, healing ground. 

My cast team [S7, represent!] was spectacular this year. It was great to feel so connected so quickly. And the lack of any drama really helped me feel the spirit of Pageant. I met Bridgette, and we hit it off right quick. We became instant friends, and noticed our quirky similarities. We decided we must have been twins in Heaven. :) She was a great companion for welcoming the audience in the bowl prior to each performance, too. I feel like we did some good work out there, and I'm grateful for the people who came and the experiences we had.

It just so happened that we both had the same part, too! We were Processional Banner Carriers, which was a neat experience. Our director likened our role to that which is described in High on the Mountain Top. We were also Noah Citizens, which means we got to be wicked and cheer for the burning of Abinadi. It proved to be an interesting experience, as Abinadi has always been one of my heroes. In the scene, there was a young boy who stood near me and Bridgette. He would make the most hilarious comments during the whole scene, keeping us quite entertained [especially during long and HOT rehearsals...]. We quickly grew to love and appreciate his presence, and we took a fun picture with him one day. Don't mind the concerned look on his face. We showed it to him afterward and he thought it was hilarious.

Additionally, we were Destruction Victims. The destruction scene has always terrified me a bit, so I was a little hesitant [and a lot excited] to finally be a part of it. I loved being a part of the action, with fire and water and rock cannons going off all around me as I ran up and down the stairs and screamed my head off and finally died... The two girls who entered with me played my little sisters, and we had a nice little storyline worked out. They ran ahead of me, and then we all ran to one side of the stage to save another friend, Clara. Sadly, Clara had a pillar topple on her and died, so we ran for cover on the other corner of the stage. A fire started below us, and a rock cannon burst, and we all died there. It was epic. A few of the nights, some of the rocks actually hit me while I was "dying," which was pretty sweet. Every night, right before our cue to enter, we'd be waiting crouched halfway up the stairs. I'd look to the girls and say, "Break a leg!" and then we'd all laugh and  say, "But not literally!!" We had some good times during destruction.

And, finally, it was just wonderful to be home, back in the cradle of the Restoration. We toured the church sites one afternoon as a cast team. It was great to be back on that lovely land, listening to the Spirit and receiving witness of the marvelous events that took place there. The day after Pageant was over I went to the Temple with some friends, and took some time to go wander in the Sacred Grove by myself afterward. It's so peaceful in there. :) My favorite.

Aaaanyway, now that I'm back in Provo, things have returned to fairly normal. I miss Pageant and being at the Hill. I miss my family something fierce. I'm about THIS ready to be done with school. [Oh, PS, I passed my Master's exam! What a relief!] I'm going crazy with my thesis/proposal. Like always, I wish I had a little more direction, but I guess that's what faith is for [Have I said that before on here? I feel like I'm ALWAYS saying that...Oh well. It's true.].

Oh, and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life post-graduation. Any suggestions?

Because why not?

It's 3 am. I'm so ready to be asleep. To be done. To be rid of this stress.

I'm busy plugging away at my Master's Exam. It's coming along so slowly. Spring Term has provided a sort of relaxing hiatus from writing a lot, but it's hurting me a little now that I have to write so much in such a short time. And I just needed a break, so I decided to blog...? Yeah. Figures that I would take a break from writing to write. But it's such a different sort of writing. I feel good about this... [Mostly because it's just word vomit. Mmmm!]

Remember how I said the other day that I was feeling better about life and things? That all came crashing down on me this afternoon. It's more detail and politics than I should go into here, but things kind of took a nose-dive. Things are crazy. Things suck. Sorry for the ambiguity, but that's about all I can include here...

I wish I weren't so stressed. Does anyone know a cure? Like...how can I stop caring so much about things that don't matter? I wan't to be a good person, and I want to feel validated in my talents and abilities. But sometimes I'm left to wonder, who really cares?? Mostly with my schoolwork. I want to do my best, but for whom? For myself? I guess, kind of. Because I know if I don't do my best I'll be disappointed in myself. But who else cares, really? Like, why can't I let myself be mediocre and be totally OKAY with that? I feel like my inner obsessive overachiever is causing me undue stress and, therefore, is negatively affecting areas of my life that shouldn't be affected. I don't know. I need to stop thinking. [And sleep. It is 3 am, after all.] [A time when everybody and their mom's dog should be fast asleep and enjoying dreamland...] [Speaking of dreams, what does dreaming about teeth mean? Isn't it something to do with stress? I've had two dreams in the past week about teeth. In one, my teeth were crumbling and falling out, and I couldn't do anything to stop them... It was painful and disgusting. In the second dream, I had to go get my wisdom teeth removed again. But they could only find one (go figure!). I had four gaping holes in the back of my mouth where the doctors had dug around trying to find my wisdom teeth... Also a painful and disgusting dream. Left me feeling quite unsettled.] [I also had a dream about a colon cancer epidemic - apparently it was highly contagious, and one of the most telling symptoms was that your mouth tasted like grapes. Who knew?]

Anyway.... Sorry to sound like such a Debbie Downer. Life really is pretty good, aside from the few crazy stressors. But in one of the papers I was reading tonight it said something along the lines of "Growth comes only from challenges to the body or mind." So... if I'm being challenged, then there's the potential for growth, right? That's always a good thing, yes? Growing and learning and improving? I think so.

I go home in 11 days. Halle-freakin'-lujah! I can't wait to see my family and give them all big hugs. And relax! :)

Now, back to my papers, and hopefully some sleep... wish me luck!

What it is..

Just a quick update --

Life's going well. Staying as busy as ever, but feeling positive about it. I haven't had any strong desire to quit school and run away from my life for a few days now, so we're doing good. :) Let's see if I can keep this attitude up for the remainder of finals week/Master's exam/proposal defense....

I'm reminded daily to keep an eternal perspective on things. It takes a lot of faith, for sure, but I'm learning to trust my Heavenly Father more and more. As it turns out, He knows what's up. Who knew? [Don't answer that. I'm completely aware of many who knew. See, for example, the Bible...] [Really, though, click that link. It's a good one.] [Doooo it!]

It's fun to look back on my life and see the hand of the Lord, and how those instances and ideas I thought were of little or no consequence have led me more perfectly to where I need to be today than anything else. It's wonderful. Really.

Moving on... (in random fashion, a la my brain...) I went to Vegas the weekend before Memorial Day with Kelly. Lots and lots of fun, and great to see family. I'll put up pictures soon(-ish...) [I'm busy, remember? Rocking out nerd-style and living my life to the fullest in my little office without a window...]. AND, while we were down there, we hiked Icebox Canyon in Red Rock Canyon. Lots of fun! :) On Memorial Day I hiked Stewart Falls with my friend Scott. Also lots of fun (and WAAAAAY pretty, to boot)! The next weekend, I went camping with Scott and his roommate and a few of their friends. We went down to Capitol Reef and set up camp on the government lands right outside the park. I have a picture or two of our campsite, but I haven't uploaded pictures recently. They'll come soon, I promise. Anyway - we had a campfire, and we could see the stars SO WELL, and we made s'mores, and there was a beasty little rock digging into my leg all night, and I smelled like campfire smoke the whole day (I really do love that....), and...yeah. It was wonderful! We went hiking again the next morning, this time up Chimney Rock in the park. Again, lots of fun!

Anyway, this is turning out to be longer than I expected. Whatev. It happens. Two more things: Check out Jon's mission blog. I've updated it to include his most recent letter (which means it will be out-of-date within the next 12 hours or so when he emails again...). I'm just so proud of my little brother. It's weird - I remember when he was born, and now he's all grown up and a missionary man half a world away.

Aaaaaand, I have to give a talk in two weeks. On this. Yes....that is the prophet's talk to the Priesthood. Awesome. Any insights would be great! :) Considering the title of the talk itself, I feel it would not be in my best interest to just wing it. ;)

Bahaha. I'm funny. And exhausted. Whoo - time for bed!