I'm learning that sometimes the path from "I can't" to "I will" is not an easy one. And I usually get stuck and start spinning in circles right around the "I can, but I won't" stage.

But I've done hard things in the past, right? And nothing's changed for the worse since then, right? I can still do hard things. I will still do hard things. Because that's what I'm here for. That's what we're all here for. Learning. Growing. Accomplishment. Progression.

I spent half of my Friday night grading. Are you even serious? I feel like such a nerd... But, on a much brighter note, I'm now finished with all my grading for the next week and a half. Bam!

I'm driving up to Oregon for Thanksgiving. And I'm so beasty excited for it. I made a few calls today to finalize plans. I'm heading out on Monday, and I hope traffic and weather don't make driving TOO horrible. I've got 3 guys riding up with me, and 4 coming back. That'll make for some good conversation, I think. And J-Ram Fergie gets to experience a holiday with the Steele-Forrest-Ayotte families... He's in for a real treat! I anticipate [and I'm sure you do, too, J-Ram] a hilarious time and unforgettable memories.

I saw Harry Potter last night with some friends. Lots of fun! And although my sleep schedule this past two months week has been extremely crazy, I didn't fall asleep during the show like I was afraid I might (we went to the 12:01 showing, so I guess it wasn't TOO late).

I get to see Z&S and L and K next week. Within a week, even. Like, 4 or 5 days from now. I can't wait!! They've been gone for 3 weeks, but it's felt like a lifetime!

And guess what else! I'll be home in 26 days. I'm so excited. There's something so refreshing about family. There is something so irreplaceable about being around people who you can love so completely [and who reciprocate] [even if you're the weird older sister and sometimes feel like the Old Maid of the family] [at 23-freakin'-years-old?! How does that figure? I need to get out of Provo...]. I'm looking forward to curling up on  my bed the living room couch and cuddling with Huntman, heart-to-heart talks with Wizzer, late-night rounds of Settlers with Remi, running ['til we puke...? Haha] with Rosie, talking/baking/cleaning/cooking/serving/laughing with Momma, being crafty and fun with Madi, laughing at with Dad, spending time catching up with M&E and their cute little family, and so much more. It's bound to be a good break...

Anyway, I'd better go get some studying done and get some sleep. Just thought I'd swing by here and spew out some random things that've been on my mind. Maybe one day I'll publish a post or two with some actual clarity and focus. Perhaps even some depth... Haha. Probably not. But let's not rule out any possibilities, eh?

Ode to Daylight Savings

So.... 4 hours from now, it'll be 3 hours from now.
And 3 hours from now, it'll be 3 hours from now.

My mind is officially blown.

Rainbow Sunsets

Yesterday in a stressed, exhausted, half-crazed state, I decided I'd had enough of reality for awhile and texted  my most favorite Heaven Twin, B. Funk. When she was finished with teaching for the day, I headed up to PG and met her at her cutie-patootie little kindy-garten classroom. It was so darling! Something about it just made me itch to be back in the public schools... Soon enough I will be.

We chatted for a bit while she finished up some work. When she was done, we headed out to grab Cafe Rio and chill at her place. Typical awesome evening, right? But it turned out to be so much more... I was following her to the restaurant, and we were driving west into the sunset. However, this wasn't just any old pretty sunset... There was a haze on the horizon, which combined with the sunlight to make a spectacular rainbow shimmer sunset. That's the best way I can think to describe it. It. Was. Gorgeous. Honestly, I was little concerned about driving because I couldn't take my eyes off it! Sometimes the beauty of Heavenly Father's creations is just breath-taking, and all I can do is pause and admire.

It got me thinking... At B. Funk's place we started talking about feeling beautiful, about believing in ourselves, and about being worth it. I shared with her this piece of work, which I've been thinking about a lot lately. We listened to this and to this. Later in the evening, with my roommates, I continued to ruminate on self-esteem and feelings of self worth.We talked about how we know some of the most beautiful women in the world who still struggle with feelings of inadequacy. How do you get past that? How do you come to truly know that you are beautiful? That you are enough? That you are worth it? I don't know. I don't claim to even begin to know how to answer any of those questions... But, dang it, I do know that feeling beautiful and believing in myself and being worth just so much is something I want. I want to feel like that rainbow sunset. I want to sparkle and shimmer. I want to soak up the light. I want to feel like I could stop traffic because people cannot take their eyes off me. I want to take someone's breath away.

And, for the time being, I think I'm on my way to feeling that way. It's slow, of course. Nothing so important comes immediately or without dedication and work. But I really do feel like I'm making some progress. It's interesting how things work... I feel like that's the message I'm supposed to be feeling this week. That, no matter what, I can be strong and successful because of who I am. Not because of who I thought I was or who I want to be, but because of who I am and who I have always been and who I will always be.

Maybe right now I am a decent sunset, pink and everything. On a really good day, perhaps I've got those shocks of orange and silver-fire clouds. But, mark my words, one day I'll truly shine. One day I'll shimmer in the light. One day I'll be that rainbow sunset...

Happy Birthday, Wizzer-Butt!

Oh my heavens, how in the world is it already 2010 November??! Time is flying by and I feel like I have no time to breathe, let alone keep track of what's even happening in my life... Yikes!

Anyway... The fact that it's November means it's my darling sister Elizabeth's birthday! I can't believe she's 22 already. How did that happen? Elizabeth is a wonderful sister, and I'm sad I'm not in New York to celebrate with her on this special day. She is and has always been a gorgeous, talented person [which, admittedly, I've envied. A lot.] who I look up to and cherish. I'm grateful for her example and support in my life. I miss having her in Provo - we would sometimes have the best discussions [er....I don't know if you could call them that, necessarily, as it they followed more of a scattered talking-laughter-talking-bawling-hysterical laughter-talking-crying-reminiscing-laughter-talking pattern rather than just a straight-up discussion. Whatev.] and she could provide me with comfort that nobody else could. I love her, and I'm grateful that she is my sister.

Happy Birthday, Elizabeth! I love you!

We look like such ragamuffins. I love it!

What the what?!

Anyone who knows me fairly well knows that I absolutely adore my family. My parents are my heroes. My siblings are my examples, my stalwart go-to guys with whom I can [and do!] share anything and everything. My nephew and nieces are so stinkin' cute. Because I love them so much, my family is my greatest source of joy. For the past 5-something years that I've been living in Provo, I've had at least one of my siblings out here with me. It's been great for those days when I'm so happy I could explode and I just have to run and share my excitement with those I love. It's also been a wonderful relief when all I want to do is run away and forget the world...

But, on Saturday, Z & S are moving. All the way to Seattle, dang it! I'm so happy for them. Really, I am! They're moving on to bigger and better things than the oddity that is Provo. They are doing what they are supposed to be doing, and they're excited for it. [Plus, I've always wanted to visit Seattle - I kind of have a secret crush on the Northwest...] But, dang it, I'm going to be all alone! Until next August! What the what?! [Okay, okay, so I still have the most wonderful cousins and the best friends and roommates in the world here, but still. There is just something about immediate family...]

 Anyway, I've been able to spend some good quality time with L and K lately as Z & S have prepared themselves for moving. We went to the BYU Homecoming Parade at the beginning of October, and took these gems:

And, I love this picture. Haha. It reminds me of the picture Elizabeth took of K, when she was a few weeks old, laying at the base of an old stone staircase looking mildly abandoned but oh-so-beautiful.

I love this next picture, too. L is making such a humorous face, and I'm rockin' the Steele squint-eye [which, admittedly, sounds like a disease...] hardcore. We make a good-lookin' bunch.

Yesterday, we all went up to Temple Square. Z & S wanted to do a session at the Salt Lake Temple before they skipped town. Their friend was in town visiting, so I played tour guide/babysitter while they were in the Temple. We were able to go to the Visitors' Center, the Conference Center, and the Joseph Smith Memorial Building, as well as just walk around the Temple grounds and enjoy the beauty.

I just love that family, and I'm going to miss them terribly! I'm grateful for their love, support, and laughs these past few years. They're wonderful!

Anyone know what teaching availability is like in the greater Seattle area?

Closing Time

I have a one-way ticket home.
To New York.
To family.
To Christmas.
To hugs and kisses and cuddles.
To happiness.
To love.

December 15th could not come fast enough.

Unfortunately, I also have a one-way ticket back. I'm sure my almost 3 week break will have seemed plenty long enough by the end, but I'm already dreading January 4th. I'm a little bit terrified of the class they're expecting me to teach next semester. I get really frustrated with Provo in the Winter. And it also means I have to actually figure out what I'm doing with my life... You know, because I'll be graduating [again] and all... Maybe.

So... now that it's October, I finally finished all my Easter candy. Mostly it's just been sitting on the shelf in my office begging to be eaten as I've been on various sugar fasts and out of town and up and down and in and out... Finally today I gave in. That means I had bright pink sugary stale Peeps for dinner. And you better believe I loved every second of it.

I was talking to a friend last night about an upcoming date she has. We got on the topic of guys, and laughed and laughed for about 5 minutes. We decided we need to get together and swap horror stories. Then write a book about it. I've written in my journal every night for about 3 years now. I've got TONS of stories just begging to be told. I don't quite know if the world is ready to hear. [That, and I don't know who exactly reads this thing. I don't want to include TOO many incriminating stories just yet... Because, as I told my friend, the stories will have "names not change to uncover the identities of the skeevy, sketchy guys."]

Man, it's late. I'm tired. It's just been one of those days, though. You know... I'm ready for another vacation. I'm thinking Vegas. Or Oregon. What say the masses? Where should I go, when, and for how long? I think I'd love more than anything to go to Brownsville/Corvallis for Thanksgiving. Z & S are moving to Seattle [I'm happy for them, but admittedly a little depressed that I'll be alone in Provo...], and might be driving down to Corvallis for Thanksgiving. I want to be there, too. I don't know how feasible that'd be. But it's oh-so-tempting.

And, before I run off to go work on my midterm and pretend to get some sleep [or...is it the other way around?], I just like to add that there are 72 days until Christmas. Is it too early to put up the tree? And start humming those blessed carols? And wear a pretty scarf and make gingerbread houses and sip cocoa by the fireplace with a cute boy my sweet roommates? I'll hold off for now because I know I'd get crusty looks... But I'm still feelin' it in my heart!

Love,
Me.