18 June 2010

Because why not?

It's 3 am. I'm so ready to be asleep. To be done. To be rid of this stress.

I'm busy plugging away at my Master's Exam. It's coming along so slowly. Spring Term has provided a sort of relaxing hiatus from writing a lot, but it's hurting me a little now that I have to write so much in such a short time. And I just needed a break, so I decided to blog...? Yeah. Figures that I would take a break from writing to write. But it's such a different sort of writing. I feel good about this... [Mostly because it's just word vomit. Mmmm!]

Remember how I said the other day that I was feeling better about life and things? That all came crashing down on me this afternoon. It's more detail and politics than I should go into here, but things kind of took a nose-dive. Things are crazy. Things suck. Sorry for the ambiguity, but that's about all I can include here...

I wish I weren't so stressed. Does anyone know a cure? Like...how can I stop caring so much about things that don't matter? I wan't to be a good person, and I want to feel validated in my talents and abilities. But sometimes I'm left to wonder, who really cares?? Mostly with my schoolwork. I want to do my best, but for whom? For myself? I guess, kind of. Because I know if I don't do my best I'll be disappointed in myself. But who else cares, really? Like, why can't I let myself be mediocre and be totally OKAY with that? I feel like my inner obsessive overachiever is causing me undue stress and, therefore, is negatively affecting areas of my life that shouldn't be affected. I don't know. I need to stop thinking. [And sleep. It is 3 am, after all.] [A time when everybody and their mom's dog should be fast asleep and enjoying dreamland...] [Speaking of dreams, what does dreaming about teeth mean? Isn't it something to do with stress? I've had two dreams in the past week about teeth. In one, my teeth were crumbling and falling out, and I couldn't do anything to stop them... It was painful and disgusting. In the second dream, I had to go get my wisdom teeth removed again. But they could only find one (go figure!). I had four gaping holes in the back of my mouth where the doctors had dug around trying to find my wisdom teeth... Also a painful and disgusting dream. Left me feeling quite unsettled.] [I also had a dream about a colon cancer epidemic - apparently it was highly contagious, and one of the most telling symptoms was that your mouth tasted like grapes. Who knew?]

Anyway.... Sorry to sound like such a Debbie Downer. Life really is pretty good, aside from the few crazy stressors. But in one of the papers I was reading tonight it said something along the lines of "Growth comes only from challenges to the body or mind." So... if I'm being challenged, then there's the potential for growth, right? That's always a good thing, yes? Growing and learning and improving? I think so.

I go home in 11 days. Halle-freakin'-lujah! I can't wait to see my family and give them all big hugs. And relax! :)

Now, back to my papers, and hopefully some sleep... wish me luck!

15 June 2010

What it is..

Just a quick update --

Life's going well. Staying as busy as ever, but feeling positive about it. I haven't had any strong desire to quit school and run away from my life for a few days now, so we're doing good. :) Let's see if I can keep this attitude up for the remainder of finals week/Master's exam/proposal defense....

I'm reminded daily to keep an eternal perspective on things. It takes a lot of faith, for sure, but I'm learning to trust my Heavenly Father more and more. As it turns out, He knows what's up. Who knew? [Don't answer that. I'm completely aware of many who knew. See, for example, the Bible...] [Really, though, click that link. It's a good one.] [Doooo it!]

It's fun to look back on my life and see the hand of the Lord, and how those instances and ideas I thought were of little or no consequence have led me more perfectly to where I need to be today than anything else. It's wonderful. Really.

Moving on... (in random fashion, a la my brain...) I went to Vegas the weekend before Memorial Day with Kelly. Lots and lots of fun, and great to see family. I'll put up pictures soon(-ish...) [I'm busy, remember? Rocking out nerd-style and living my life to the fullest in my little office without a window...]. AND, while we were down there, we hiked Icebox Canyon in Red Rock Canyon. Lots of fun! :) On Memorial Day I hiked Stewart Falls with my friend Scott. Also lots of fun (and WAAAAAY pretty, to boot)! The next weekend, I went camping with Scott and his roommate and a few of their friends. We went down to Capitol Reef and set up camp on the government lands right outside the park. I have a picture or two of our campsite, but I haven't uploaded pictures recently. They'll come soon, I promise. Anyway - we had a campfire, and we could see the stars SO WELL, and we made s'mores, and there was a beasty little rock digging into my leg all night, and I smelled like campfire smoke the whole day (I really do love that....), and...yeah. It was wonderful! We went hiking again the next morning, this time up Chimney Rock in the park. Again, lots of fun!

Anyway, this is turning out to be longer than I expected. Whatev. It happens. Two more things: Check out Jon's mission blog. I've updated it to include his most recent letter (which means it will be out-of-date within the next 12 hours or so when he emails again...). I'm just so proud of my little brother. It's weird - I remember when he was born, and now he's all grown up and a missionary man half a world away.

Aaaaaand, I have to give a talk in two weeks. On this. Yes....that is the prophet's talk to the Priesthood. Awesome. Any insights would be great! :) Considering the title of the talk itself, I feel it would not be in my best interest to just wing it. ;)

Bahaha. I'm funny. And exhausted. Whoo - time for bed!